Lately, I’ve been bombarded with articles about love and relationships. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and because my friends are getting older and engaged, but it seems like we’re all devoting an astronomic amount of brain space to the topic of love and relationships. No matter what the conversation, it always degenerates into a big gab fest about dating. And it’s not just the girls who are buzzing about it. I’m having a hard time telling my brain to stop obsessing about the new male female relationship dynamics, especially in how they pertain to my own dating escapades.
Is it the end of courtship? Or is courtship just changing? Does the “new love” have a short shelf life? Can you still fall in love?
Out of all the articles I’ve read, an interview with comedian, Aziz Ansari, hit the nail on the head. He talked about getting “somewhat fed up and and frustrated with what it is being a single person nowadays. I don’t want to get married tomorrow but I don’t want to sit around dealing with stupid texting games or whatever. Look, I like going out and being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.”
That sounds really nice. I want to do that.
It’s really my own fault I’m not cooking salmon with steamed vegetables with Mr. Awesome. I’m choosy and particular in strange ways. I discard a lot of perfectly good guys. Yet ever so often, someone comes along that captures my eye. Aphrodite, Cupid, Kama Deva and all other gods and goddesses of love, look down at my new found happiness and jointly decide that today is not my day. Nor my week or month or year so far.
2013 started off with a big “screw you.” I had been “dating” this guy, Man-Child, for about 1.5 months. I thought we were dating, and he thought we were doing something significantly more casual and physical than the scant romantic notions I had. Red flags warned and gesticulated wildly in the background but I was on a one way road with extreme blinders on.
For one, Man-Child forgot me at a party. Luckily some people from the party had stayed behind to walk to the bar and I was able to catch up with them. Once arriving at said bar, he ignored me for almost the entire night. Later he revealed he ignored because he could sense my anger. Eeeuuu, eeeuuu, eeuuuuuuuuu. Ambulances were rushing by to save the last breath of my emotional intelligence.
But no, my delusion continued. He didn’t like to kiss me very much. He liked to fool around but there wasn’t a lot of kissing involved. Hmm, that’s weird.
The bombshell, though, came from a conversation we had early on. Man-Child basically said we should see other people and that he didn’t want to exclusively date just yet.
Ok, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, he told you directly that he didn’t want to be in a relationship? Did you really think to have expectations after that?” Yes, I did and yes, that was very stupid. But my reasoning was this: I’ve had guys tell me before that they didn’t want a relationship and then those exact same guys turned around and begged me to be their girlfriend.
Man-Child did nothing like that but he gave enough signs and made enough jealous comments to nurse some hope in my delirious heart. Needless to say the ‘relationship’ eventually ended. The best part of the story is the ‘break off.’ Wasn’t quite a break up because we never had an exclusive relationship. He texted me and asked me to “give him a call sometime.” Right away, I knew something was off. He wants to end this. My friends assured me otherwise. “What kind of asshole would tell YOU to call HIM so that HE can break up with YOU?”
I pretended to believe them. I text and call Man Child but I didn’t hear back until 6 pm the following day. Red flag 163. We chit chat for a while. He updates me on his life. As he’s rambling on about his new living space, I glance at my watch impatiently. Time to take matters into my own hands. Something bad was coming and I just wanted to rip off the Bandaid to start the healing process. Finally, he lays it all down. We’re not compatible enough to be in a relationship long term because we’re not a good long-term match. I don’t ask why, I mumble some sort of agreement. What Man-Child said next, however, I could have not anticipated.
“So I think you’re great and I still really like spending time with you so we should still hang out. And I’m really attracted to you so I think we should be still be affectionate and physical with each other.”
Extreme silence followed. I had no idea what to say. I really wanted to say “You fucking asswad, you really think that I’m going to want to do that? Do you not have ANY respect for me? How in the hell, mother f***er, do you think that’s going to happen? ahgipdgheaiopghgeh”
Instead, I calmly answered: “Yeah I’m not sure that that will work. I’d rather not do that.”
He continued to press on, explaining the merits of what he thought was a brilliant idea. “Well if all you want is a life partner, then yeah we shouldn’t continue. But if you want a different kind of relationship then this is a good idea.”
I gently negated any sort of relationship he was dreaming up and eventually said bye. I haven’t heard from him since that January 5th phone call.
In the meantime, I've gone on quite a few dates. I haven't feel a spark with any of the guys despite really giving it a go with the nice ones. But like a boomerang, the same lesson came back to me again and again. If I just listened to my gut, life would be amazing. I’d be my own relationship doctor and would have no reason to write a dating blog! If I don’t like you right away and I don’t feel some sort of spark, it ain’t gonna happen.
This past Tuesday night I met up with Really Tall Guy, someone I had known for a little while but not very well. Everything went swimmingly and I knew I liked him. Like a gentleman, he paid for drinks and walked me home. We stayed out for over two hours, flirted, brushed knees and laughed. More than once, he said he was having fun and admitted to being nervous pre-drinks.
Before the date, though, something churned in my stomach. I should go into the Guinness Book of World Records for having a psychic gut. It knows some really accurate things it should have no way of knowing. For some reason or another I kept freaking out on the walk over that he was already seeing someone else. I kept worrying that this wasn’t really a date and that I’d be disappointed in the end.
Disappointment knocked my door and barged in today. Really Tall Guy told me that he had a great time but that he was actually seeing someone else. He said he probably should have told me earlier but that he’d like to stay friends. Uhmmm, I have a lot of friends. No thanks. And let me get this straight. Although you have been seeing someone, you still wanted to go on a date and talk about how much fun you had. Fan-fucking-tasting.
Is it the end of courtship? I sure hope not. I hope it’s just taking a break to figure itself out again. And in this endlessly complicated world of dating, make it simple by listening to your gut.
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