Dear readers,
I have a funny blog post in the works. But right now, I'll be earnest. I need to release some very toxic emotions that invaded my heart, my soul and my brain.
People who have known me for a long time have said that I've gone off the deep end. That I'm usually much more rational. Love makes us do crazy things.
Every day, I ride a dizzying track of emotions brought on by my recent devastating break-up. This is my first adult break-up. This is the first time I've really cared for and loved someone and had my heart totally stomped to pieces and stabbed with a thousand knives. Sure, I've been rejected by some guys in the past but they're mostly tools or guys I didn't care about anyway. Hindsight is 20/20.
This time it's different. This time, I'm waiting for Jerkface Voldemort to make a decision on whether he will leave his native country and take a job offer in the US, or wuss out like the little boy he is and do a PhD in Europe. Jerkface Voldemort is still traipsing around Brazil, mentally distracting himself from his big decision and any sadness that would accompany it. Even worse, I have no idea when I'll be privy to this grand finale of life introspection that has been dragging on for much too long.
Waiting for a decision is putting me through the ringer. Feeling on edge, anxious and stressed. Feeling depressed, angry, and zen. The more time that goes by that I don't hear from him, the more awful I feel. I was not expecting this. I was expecting to care a little less each day. But I'm at the stage of the breakup where I realise, "Holy shit. This is really starting to feel like it's over." Every day, it feels a little bit more and more finished.
Ok, for you smartasses out there who ask, "Well, hasn't he already broken up with you?" Well, yes, he did. Then we started talking again. Then we started doing this in between "friends" and "a relationship" thing. Then we stopped talking again. I'm currently going through the breakup for a second time. Once the curtains are opened, I will go through a breakup for the third time. I do not advise this for anybody. Ladies, if someone comes to the US for a stinking internship for their dumb master's program and they're of German nationality, run away. Run far away. Run as far as you can go.
It would be easier if I was angry. I get that it's a big fucking decision to make. It's not my life, it's his, so he has to make the decision at his own pace. If he had asked me to move to Europe right now, I would say no. If I'm not willing to do it for him, then can I really expect him to do it for me? A real man might. Jerkface Voldemort is not a man yet. He is still figuring his life out and finding his way. There's nothing I can do about that. I wish I could take it all in stride and think, "pish posh, his decision does not concern me and I'm perfectly happy living my life without any sign of life from him."
You all say that you'd do just that. But if you really care about someone this much, you know you can't move on 100% until you have 100% closure.
And until I do, this is my daily cycle of emotion:
1. wake up feeling sad
2. walk to work playing angry break-up songs and empowering girl music
3. forget about him for a while and distract myself with work
4. start to feel better, get texts from other dudes
5. at some point in the day feel nauseated from remembering our awesome first date, the first time I met him, our times in Napa, our inside jokes, our listening to Romanian techno in the car, our absolutely amazing day in Stinson Beach, etc.
6. wonder why the heck he can't bother to send a freaking message from Brazil
7. realise that he probably won't move here because he hasn't sent me any freaking messages while in Brazil
8. leave work feeling very sad
9. distract myself after work by hanging out with friends
10. go to sleep feeling very sad
Thanks to all of you who have supported me through these trying times. Thanks to all of you who have listened to me blabber about this ad nauseam. Thanks for making me realise that my happiness does not depend on one person and that I'm loved by many more.
Until next time,
Dating Aficionado
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