Are We There Yet?

Note: I realize it’s cliche for a dating blog to write an entry on Valentine’s Day, but since this day is all about cliches, why not succumb?

In true Google fashion, each building you work in, and more specifically each floor you work on, has a micro kitchen. A micro kitchen full of organic snacks and flavored waters. Soda, dried seaweed, bananas, etc. Our particular micro kitchen is special because of the character running it, a short and cheery guy named Pedro. This morning, he asked me if I had gotten any flowers yet. I chuckled and said not yet. But as of right now I have three Valentines so I’m not doing too badly.

But this is a marathon, not a sprint. You can follow a very strict set of rules and credos. You can fly by the seat of your pants and go with the flow. Or you can be an overly dramatic, wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve type of person. There’s no guaranteed formula to dating, though I tried pretty damn hard to find tips and tricks that would get me as close as possible. (Seriously don’t be a dramatic, wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve type of person). And over time, through my blog posts, I’ve inadvertently created this great divide between men and women.

Physically we’re not different. We have the same number of organs and bones. Our muscles move the same way when we laugh or cry. Emotionally, we feel the same things: happiness, anger, jealousy, excitement...

But the exchange of those emotions in a male-female dynamic shows where the similarities fly out the window. And that exchange is predicated on this implicit notion that men and women should comply to their gender stereotypes. The man should be strong, aggressive and unfeeling. The woman should be dainty, delicate and emotional. (I'm not agreeing to these stereotypes, I'm just pointing out what they are). By assuming these characteristics, the role each gender should play in a relationship seems very clear. And although these roles are starting to coalesce, we can’t deny thousands of years carefully constructed gender norms and not-always-ridiculous stereotypes. Because they still exist, there’s still a game to play and there’s a reason I don’t pay for my drinks. Does that mean I want to settle down tomorrow or that I'm dainty and delicate? No.

At a happy hour a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine remarked that I was “such a guy” when it came to relationships because I shuddered at the idea of marriage and long-term commitment. Yes, I act “dudish” sometimes. Other times, I’m pretty damn girly. What if I want to act like an amoeba or monkey? It’s my life. They’re my interactions and relationships. Here are my rules. Feel free to disagree.

1. Never pay for your drinks. You’re a beautiful female and some guy out there is trying to bang a chick tonight by getting her all liquored up. Don’t bang him. Just reap the benefits of free alcohol.
2. You won’t find your future husband in a bar or club. And if you do, you’re the exception to the rule.
3. Let him make the first move. Let him text you and call you first.
a. Ok this rule has been heavily contested. A lot of men say it’s ok for a girl to approach you and are even intrigued by it. But again, if you’re somehow successful, I still believe you’re the exception to the rule.
4. You often hear that a guy doesn’t know what he wants. But he certainly knows what he doesn’t want.
5. Take your time. Really get to know the other person.
6. Don’t make excuses for a guy. If he’s interested in you, he will act like it.
7. Don’t act like a stone cold bitch either. If he’s gaga over you and the feelings are mutual, show him some love too.
8. Upon meeting a guy, say at an event or party, don’t spend the entire night hanging on to his every word. Mingle, talk to others, spend time with your friends. Let him come to you again.
9. Trust is earned. Don’t start off assuming he’s an innocent angel, but don’t assume he’s an womanizing bastard either (unless he’s French...jk). Forgive him if he forgets that you like vanilla ice cream not chocolate, but don’t forgive him if he’s a flaky SOB.
10. Have a sense of humour. That’s important any time, but especially when it comes to dating.
11. You can’t control people. You can’t expect that everything will go according to plan.
12. Sometimes sleepovers happen without warning. Always carry an extra toothbrush, makeup remover and perfume.
13. I have a bad memory. But when I’m interested in someone, I subconsciously pay close attention and remember almost everything. I also ask that person a lot of questions. Men are no exception to this rule. Is he constantly forgetting what you talked about? Is he constantly talking about himself and telling you the same stories over and over again? Red alert. He’s in love with himself and doesn’t totally care what you have to say.
14. A relationship won’t work if you’re looking for fundamentally different things. Say he’s looking for a good time and you’re looking for something more long-term, or vice versa. You’re not going to convince each other either way. So save yourself the time and heartbreak.
15. The most important rule of all: you should love yourself. You should invest in yourself before you invest in anyone else. Put time in the things you care about: hobbies, career, family and friends. Don’t base your self-esteem in what the opposite sex thinks about you. Don’t fall apart if a relationship doesn’t work out. If you hate something about yourself, don’t whine and complain all day long. Change it! Don’t be afraid to try new things. Learn to be ok with being alone.

Am I there yet? No. I’m not worried about when I’ll get “there,” how I’ll get “there” or even where “there” is.