The Blunders of Men

A very wise coworker once said “I don’t know anything about women. No man can really understand them.” Since I don’t know this man very well, I can’t speak for his blunders, but I can definitely vouch for the guys below:

Oy Russian Men

Once upon a time I dated a Russian man. Before I instigated the dissolution of our “relationship” on Valentine’s Day (women can make blunders too), I met one of his friends. Let’s dub him “Awkward Russian Guy.” He was a PhD math student at Berkeley who seemed to be very laid-back and very interested in raves. But he didn’t know when they were taking place so I enthusiastically agreed to “show him the light” and take him with me to the next rave. Day of the S/S party arrived and Awkward Russian Guy arrived at my doorstep 30 minutes before he was supposed to. This should have been warning flag 1. Upon arrival to the rave, I flutter around like a social butterfly, saying hi to friends, meeting new friends and passing out flyers for an upcoming party. Awkward Russian Guy proceeds to follow me around. Warning flag 2. At some point he asks if we can dance together. I respond that when dancing to techno I like to dance in my own space, which is actually almost 100% true, but the other part of my rejection was just that I didn’t want to dance with him. Thus warning flag 3. At some point in the night I meet “Chiseled Body Man” (to be referenced later). He asks me to dance with him, which I do, and proceed to spend a great amount of time hanging out with him. At his insistence of course. Awkward Russian Guy apparently gets upset and tells my friend all about his interest in me. Later he asks me on a date, I reject him, he says we can’t be friends runs off in an upset state.

Oy! I just dated your FRIEND, and now you’re asking me out on a DATE? Also, I’ve been giving you the friend vibe all night by talking to other cute guys, dancing with other cute guys and REJECTING your advances.

The recovery: Awkward Russian Guy sent me a facebook message the next day apologizing for his behaviour. He said he would like to be friends after all. While I give him props for the recovery, this friendship ain’t happening. I mean no offense buddy, but you’re not only socially inept and emotionally unintelligent, it turns out you’re pretty boring as well.

The Half-baked Peruvian

You read about the half-baked, doltish, irritating and uber aggressive Peruvian boy in the last entry so I won’t drone on about it now. But seriously, what was he thinking?! “Oh, I’m just coming to San Francisco to explore the city, visit some friends and hang out with you.” Pfffttt...

The recovery: Well there wasn’t much of one. After he left my residence on Sunday, he wrote me insulting text and Facebook messages. He tried the apologetic route but quickly changed his tone. Seriously, telling me that “I have to figure this out or my mind will go to a very bad place” is not the way to recover from your behaviour during this weekend, i.e. stalking and aggressively hitting on me.

Hot (and Flirty) Neighbor

Quite recently, I met the hot guy who I had occasionally seen on my shuttle. Soon after, I met his girlfriend. -_____- She also rides the shuttle sometimes. Each time my poor ears feel like they’re about to burst because they have to hear her loud and obnoxious voice, and even more loud and obnoxious laugh. Anyway, I appear to be a very lucky person because this hot guy also turns out to be my hot neighbor. -______- Lives a mere four houses down from me! I ping him the next day on chat with a friendly “hello neighbor” greeting. Our friendly interaction turns into a flirtatious one, making me wonder whether the girlfriend was still in the picture. I know best of all that flirting can mean nothing. I flirt all the time and it means nothing. But when somebody openly admits to flirting with you, it seems to me we’re past the innocent level. Thus I decide that this is not someone I should really interact with, even on a platonic level. I start avoiding Hot Neighbor.I fail this morning as we both board the same tiny shuttle. Luckily, his girlfriend makes it pretty easy for me to continue my plan of avoidance as she was also on the shuttle and as he naturally sat next to her.

Apparently, Hot Neighbor doesn’t like my plan because he emails me yesterday and asks if “I’m doing ok.” His subject line contained something like “Just wanted to check in on you...” I replied that I've been doing great. He then said, “well I haven’t heard from you and you’re never online. What’s up?” HAHAHAHAH. Anyway, this might be worth a whole entry later because the Hot Neighbor situation continues.

The recovery: Dear Hot Neighbor, you are not a player. You should think a little bit more about what you say to girls. Your saving grace? Your super adorable dog.

Not Getting the Message

This one is quite a doozy. My roommate dealt with a Russian guy a couple months back who I nickname “Not Getting the Message.” He seriously wouldn’t leave her alone. He sent her several text messages and called her multiple times. Per day. He found her profile online and sent her four messages in one day. He kept insisting on hanging out with her despite her CLEAR lack of interest. Her frustration grew each day, turning this from a silly comedic tragedy to an exasperating situation. You just gotta be mean, I tell her. Clearly whatever you’re doing is not working so far.

The recovery: The recovery only takes place when the guy finally leaves you alone. 9 times out of 10, this happens after you’ve pulled out too much hair. Dear Not Getting the Message, do not fear because you’re not alone here. Lots and lots of men have acted this way towards women. In the olden days, this was because a girl played hard to get. These days it’s because you’re just socially inept. But you don’t want to date somebody who shows mutual interest anyway?

Chiseled Body Man

Chiseled Body Man looks good. I mean really good. And he cooks a mean breakfast. But that’s where it ends. Exhibit A: Last weekend Chiseled Body Man texted me to meet up at a bar in the Mission with his friends. I traipsed over to the bar in my cute outfit, promising myself that I would only stay out until 1 or 2. I wanted to avoid going to bed at 7:30 AM like the previous day. I somewhat succeeded since I only went to bed at 5:30 AM. But it was worth it! What a ferocious, spontaneous and fun night! What put a damper on it was Chiseled Body Man clinging to my every move and questioning every guy I spoke to. He kept yelling “She’s mine!” all throughout the night. You might think it sounds cute, but it got pretty annoying having to explain multiple times that this was not a true statement.

The recovery: Uhm, can’t you tell by the nickname “Chiseled Body Man?” Maybe I should rename him "Sculpted Like A Greek God."

King of Anything

Last week I went on a date with someone I met while intoxicated. As I have written in my blog, multiple times, this is NEVER a good idea. Well it bit me in the ass again, because after the date with King of Anything, I thought I was going to turn lesbian. He talked about himself the ENTIRE time. Arrogance flowed out of his mouth every three seconds. “I’m great at this, I’m fantastic at that, I know everything about this, and everything about that.” Blah blah blah. A date is supposed to be a mutual parting of knowledge. You’re supposed to learn about each other. If you’re looking for someone to worship the ground you walk on because they have no brain, personality or interests of their own, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. To quote Miley Cyrus, “Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.”

The recovery: He introduced me a FANTASTIC sushi restaurant.

You Just Lost Your Cool Points

My roommate met Mr. M* at a friend’s party a couple weeks back. They exchanged phone numbers and he quickly made contact with her. My roommate agreed to get coffee with him at some point. So he call her one night. She doesn’t return his call until the next day. This is perfectly acceptable, and by my rules, even encouraged. But playing hard to get aside, my roommate is a busy girl! She can’t commit to an exact time. Working hard, commuting, partying, etc does not leave immediate room for coffee dates. Well Mr. M makes a huge blunder. Clearly affected by her lack of immediate response, he messages her to say “you just lost your cool points.” Oh I’m sorry, Mr. M. I didn’t know girls are supposed to get back to you within 30 seconds. Clearly we have nothing better to do.

The recovery: I think we know who lost the cool points here. And furthermore, Mr. Ms enter our lives all too often. Guys who need you to respond to them right away, need you to hang out with them right away, but don’t feel like providing you that same courtesy. Or even worse, guys who DO provide you that same courtesy and expect the same for you. Well tough luck! We have lives.

To the rest of dudes out there:

I don’t think you always have bad intentions. In fact, most men out there are pretty decent. It just seems like you’re thinking with the wrong body part sometimes. Or you lack the complete ability to think about anyone but yourself. In time, I hope you’ll learn. Let’s turn this huge blunders into lovable mistakes that require simple recoveries.

XOXO,
Dating Aficionado