Mark Twain once said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.” With temperatures in the 50s and 60s, the summer has not failed to disappoint. But what has been even more chilly than the morning air has been the morphing of my love life from triple bookings and fawning men to getting my hopes dashed by non-committal, confused boys.
Let’s devote this entry to Spineless from Michigan. We’ll call him Spineless for short. I met him a few months ago through a friend, but at the time I was somewhat involved with this friend and Spineless had a girlfriend. Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend. All my San Francisco techno friends and I trekked across the country for this huge underground music festival. Definitely one of the top 3 craziest weekends ever. But I digress.
Spineless and I remet at the festival, as two very single individuals. We completely hit it off and hung out for most of the festival. Upon our return to San Francisco, he spent the night at my place. We talked until 5 AM and it was magical.
Every time his name was mentioned, a grin filled my face. I couldn’t stop smiling. We spent most days together, he came to my housewarming party, took me on 3 proper dates, revealed very personal details and told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Spineless’s philosophy on relationships is that two people should connect on 3 different levels: intellectual, emotional and physical. According to him, his last relationship lacked the intellectual aspect. Also according to him, we connected on all three levels. And he said that had never happened before. Beyond that, we were both very similar with similar personalities and values. Once we figured out our birthdays were 3 days apart, it all made sense.
The week after, Spineless left for his ten-day trip. Before leaving, he said he was worried about separation anxiety. “Separation from what?” I asked. “From you, of course,” he responded. Wow, how did I get so lucky? During the first half of his trip, he called me every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I was shocked to hear from him, considering how busy he was with work and his family. Then nothing. So I call him a few days later. Drama from his ex-girlfriend and a stressful schedule filled his days so he wasn’t able to call me. I told him I completely understood and that next time, he should just let me know he’s busy. I asked him if the past 10 days was pretty typical of his schedule. He said he was that busy about 75% of the time. So I gave him an out. I told him that if he was really that busy and had that much drama with his ex-girlfriend, that I was going to reconsider. I told him this wasn’t for me. That lit a fire under his ass because he insisted that 75% was an exaggerated statistic and that I was such a priority to him. He followed that up with an invitation to his manager’s pool party the next weekend.
I should mention a very important thing here. From the very beginning, Spineless told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. Actually, “not anytime this month.” He had just gotten out of a committed one, needed to find a new apartment and was going through some stuff at work. I completely understood, but always doubted the validity of his words. At times I questioned his intentions and he was fantastic at reassuring me how much he liked me and how well we connected.
Sunday, I did a decent amount of staring at my phone. Spineless was supposed to call me. I was already on edge from a fair amount of drama (continued in the next blog post) and three strong Bloody Mary’s at one of my favorite watering holes. Spineless didn’t call me so I called him. Mistake number 1. In my drunken state I attacked him for not calling me. Mistake number two. The reaction that followed was not what I expected from what seemed to be a caring, soft-spoken individual. He blew up at me. Said he didn’t owe me anything and that I wasn’t his girlfriend. Cold words. I calmed down and referenced the previous night’s conversation where he promised to alert me if he couldn’t call me. He blew up at me and said it was all bullshit. That Saturday night’s conversation was bullshit too. He didn’t owe me anything, I wasn’t his girlfriend. Mentioned that his ex-girlfriend was actually in Seattle with him that weekend, something his self-proclaimed “honest and transparent” ass forgot to tell me. He said he would call me the next day when we called down.
Monday, no call. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday all passed without a phone call. Like a pendulum swing, my mood oscillated between anger, sadness and unsettling confusion. By Friday, I decided he was a complete f***ing bastard like the rest of them and resolved to move forward. But he called that day and we spoke. He said he waited five days to call me because he really needed to think about things. He said our conversations during the past weekend worried him because they indicated I had expectations. He mentioned that from day 1 he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. “I know, and after what happened last weekend, I can tell you’re really not ready for a relationship.” He seemed slightly offended, “what do you mean?”
Call me naïve and idealistic, but I believed Spineless when he told me liked me too much, that we shared such a connection and that he missed me while he was gone. Call me gullible but I got excited when he planned out future dates, invited me to Tahoe and said he must take me to Cambodia because it was such a life-changing experience for him. I told him I shouldn’t have had any expectations of him, but in fact I did, because of everything that had transpired between us. Saying he didn’t owe me anything was very black and white and showed little respect on his part for what was going on between us. He apologized for his actions, but I knew it was all bullshit when I heard the next line. “My position hasn’t changed and I still feel the same way about you. I want to continue things but under the clear expectation that we’re not in a relationship.”
I politely declined. I’d rather meet a guy who can be in a relationship even when he’s busy looking for an apartment.
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